Today's Top 5
Top five bands/music whose fans I like to make fun of:
1. KISS
Chuck Klosterman said it best when he said, "Most bands want to be The Beatles. KISS wants to be Coca-Cola." He is 100% correct. KISS is the Star Trek of rock.
2. Slipknot
Seriously, guys. Come on. Masks? There's another band out there who would truly send you to Hell. Gwar. Fuck you. I know Gwar borrowed aspects of their schtick from other bands, most especially Alice Cooper but such is rock. Slipknot is just a bad impersonation. There's a difference. You kids need better heroes.
3. Sugar Ray/Smashmouth
The last I heard of Sugar Ray they were playing the infield at some two-bit car race in Richmond, Va. Aren't the members (not to mention the sound) of these two bands interchangeable? Remember that really bad period of absolutely terrible SoCal rock in the late 90s?* These guys, plus that Ever-band, what were they called Everlast, Everglade, Everlake?** They were terrible. All of them, including Len, Lit, and especially Offspring. Can we just forget about them now? Has everybody else already forgotten them and I just cling to their memory as the symbol of everything that was wrong with the late 90s? However, that Sugar Ray guy, Mark or whatever, the one who became a VH1 veejay, was really great on Rock n Roll Jeopardy. He's the Raymond Babbitt of post-'50s musicology. (Just go look up the name on imdb.com...) The part of this that makes me the saddest is that the coming of Sugar Ray and Offspring signaled the end of the great musical movement of my teenage years. We only got 4 really good years. Come to think of it, maybe that was enough.
4. Speaking of VH1, any band from VH1's "Bands on the Run."
No, SoulCracker does not rock. The girls in Harlow aren't that hot, except for the bass player under the "Female Bass Players are always mega-hot" corollary. BotR winners Flickerstick actually played a Wednesday show at Jammin' Java in Falls Church, Va. I think more people actually went to see the opening band.***
5. Norwegian Death Metal.
It's time to leave your mother's basement.
*This does not in any way include Sublime.
** I looked it up on allmusic.com. Everclear. Their name puts them at the top of the "Top 5 Bands Who Ruined a Potentially Great Band Name by Sucking."
*** I slipped in this entire entry just because I wanted to make fun of Flickerstick, my arch-nemeses.
1. KISS
Chuck Klosterman said it best when he said, "Most bands want to be The Beatles. KISS wants to be Coca-Cola." He is 100% correct. KISS is the Star Trek of rock.
2. Slipknot
Seriously, guys. Come on. Masks? There's another band out there who would truly send you to Hell. Gwar. Fuck you. I know Gwar borrowed aspects of their schtick from other bands, most especially Alice Cooper but such is rock. Slipknot is just a bad impersonation. There's a difference. You kids need better heroes.
3. Sugar Ray/Smashmouth
The last I heard of Sugar Ray they were playing the infield at some two-bit car race in Richmond, Va. Aren't the members (not to mention the sound) of these two bands interchangeable? Remember that really bad period of absolutely terrible SoCal rock in the late 90s?* These guys, plus that Ever-band, what were they called Everlast, Everglade, Everlake?** They were terrible. All of them, including Len, Lit, and especially Offspring. Can we just forget about them now? Has everybody else already forgotten them and I just cling to their memory as the symbol of everything that was wrong with the late 90s? However, that Sugar Ray guy, Mark or whatever, the one who became a VH1 veejay, was really great on Rock n Roll Jeopardy. He's the Raymond Babbitt of post-'50s musicology. (Just go look up the name on imdb.com...) The part of this that makes me the saddest is that the coming of Sugar Ray and Offspring signaled the end of the great musical movement of my teenage years. We only got 4 really good years. Come to think of it, maybe that was enough.
4. Speaking of VH1, any band from VH1's "Bands on the Run."
No, SoulCracker does not rock. The girls in Harlow aren't that hot, except for the bass player under the "Female Bass Players are always mega-hot" corollary. BotR winners Flickerstick actually played a Wednesday show at Jammin' Java in Falls Church, Va. I think more people actually went to see the opening band.***
5. Norwegian Death Metal.
It's time to leave your mother's basement.
*This does not in any way include Sublime.
** I looked it up on allmusic.com. Everclear. Their name puts them at the top of the "Top 5 Bands Who Ruined a Potentially Great Band Name by Sucking."
*** I slipped in this entire entry just because I wanted to make fun of Flickerstick, my arch-nemeses.
posted by Jaded Lens at
9:09 PM
2 Comments:
I feel like poop and you just made my Wednesday. I only check your blog, uh, EVERY DAY to see if you left some morsel of humor during the night and I was beginning to fear you had quit completely.
I agree, Slipknot is what is wrong with America and also my brother, who is a huge Slipknot fan. Len had a catchy song in '99 that I still admit to dancing to in my car if it comes on the radio. And while we're on the subject of crappy late '90s rock, let's not forget Fastball, the worst of them all.
What I just wrote was completely incoherent. Blame the Nyquil... I'm loopy.
By
SpangledAngel, at 9:18 AM
I'm going to try to start writing more. I admit, I've been really negligent lately. I had all of those readers for a while and then I didn't get to write for so long b/c of the grad application and lost them all so I was discouraged.
How did I forget about Fastball? The way they used those two old people for their own gain was shameful. I still think Offspring is the worst of them all and yes, the Len song was fairly catchy.
By
Jaded Lens, at 9:21 AM
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