John Wayne's Secret Vagina

I really shouldn't call this post "John Wayne's Secret Vagina." It's like punching my old man in the face.

I just posted a myspace bulletin for "The V Game." Basically, you take the title of a movie and replace one word with "Vagina." Hilarious results ensue. But I made a big discovery while thinking of an answer:

ANY John Wayne movie is perfect for this game.

Some examples:
The Vagina of Katie Elder (Sons)
Vagina Grande (Rio)
Operation Vagina (Pacific)
The Sands of Va Gina (Iwo Jima) (I'm going to hell for that one)
Vagina! (McClintock!)
Flying Vaginas (Leathernecks)
Vagina Straight Ahead! (California)

But, by far, the best are his movies with multiple possibilities. Some further examples:
The Green Vaginas / The Vagina Berets
Angel and the Vagina / Vagina and the Badman
Overland Stage Vaginas / Overland Vagina Riders
Vagina in the Sky / Island in the Vagina
and my personal favorite:
Reap the Vagina Wind / Reap the Wild Vagina

Remember, I'm only pointing out a phenomenon here, so please, "Don't Shoot the Vagina (Messenger.)"

Today's Top 5

Top five bands/music whose fans I like to make fun of:

1. KISS

Chuck Klosterman said it best when he said, "Most bands want to be The Beatles. KISS wants to be Coca-Cola." He is 100% correct. KISS is the Star Trek of rock.

2. Slipknot

Seriously, guys. Come on. Masks? There's another band out there who would truly send you to Hell. Gwar. Fuck you. I know Gwar borrowed aspects of their schtick from other bands, most especially Alice Cooper but such is rock. Slipknot is just a bad impersonation. There's a difference. You kids need better heroes.

3. Sugar Ray/Smashmouth

The last I heard of Sugar Ray they were playing the infield at some two-bit car race in Richmond, Va. Aren't the members (not to mention the sound) of these two bands interchangeable? Remember that really bad period of absolutely terrible SoCal rock in the late 90s?* These guys, plus that Ever-band, what were they called Everlast, Everglade, Everlake?** They were terrible. All of them, including Len, Lit, and especially Offspring. Can we just forget about them now? Has everybody else already forgotten them and I just cling to their memory as the symbol of everything that was wrong with the late 90s? However, that Sugar Ray guy, Mark or whatever, the one who became a VH1 veejay, was really great on Rock n Roll Jeopardy. He's the Raymond Babbitt of post-'50s musicology. (Just go look up the name on imdb.com...) The part of this that makes me the saddest is that the coming of Sugar Ray and Offspring signaled the end of the great musical movement of my teenage years. We only got 4 really good years. Come to think of it, maybe that was enough.

4. Speaking of VH1, any band from VH1's "Bands on the Run."

No, SoulCracker does not rock. The girls in Harlow aren't that hot, except for the bass player under the "Female Bass Players are always mega-hot" corollary. BotR winners Flickerstick actually played a Wednesday show at Jammin' Java in Falls Church, Va. I think more people actually went to see the opening band.***

5. Norwegian Death Metal.

It's time to leave your mother's basement.

*This does not in any way include Sublime.
** I looked it up on allmusic.com. Everclear. Their name puts them at the top of the "Top 5 Bands Who Ruined a Potentially Great Band Name by Sucking."
*** I slipped in this entire entry just because I wanted to make fun of Flickerstick, my arch-nemeses.