Jaded Lens

John Wayne's Secret Vagina

2006-05-24T15:33:00.000-05:00

I really shouldn't call this post "John Wayne's Secret Vagina." It's like punching my old man in the face.

I just posted a myspace bulletin for "The V Game." Basically, you take the title of a movie and replace one word with "Vagina." Hilarious results ensue. But I made a big discovery while thinking of an answer:

ANY John Wayne movie is perfect for this game.

Some examples:
The Vagina of Katie Elder (Sons)
Vagina Grande (Rio)
Operation Vagina (Pacific)
The Sands of Va Gina (Iwo Jima) (I'm going to hell for that one)
Vagina! (McClintock!)
Flying Vaginas (Leathernecks)
Vagina Straight Ahead! (California)

But, by far, the best are his movies with multiple possibilities. Some further examples:
The Green Vaginas / The Vagina Berets
Angel and the Vagina / Vagina and the Badman
Overland Stage Vaginas / Overland Vagina Riders
Vagina in the Sky / Island in the Vagina
and my personal favorite:
Reap the Vagina Wind / Reap the Wild Vagina

Remember, I'm only pointing out a phenomenon here, so please, "Don't Shoot the Vagina (Messenger.)"

Today's Top 5

2006-05-22T21:09:00.000-05:00

Top five bands/music whose fans I like to make fun of:

1. KISS

Chuck Klosterman said it best when he said, "Most bands want to be The Beatles. KISS wants to be Coca-Cola." He is 100% correct. KISS is the Star Trek of rock.

2. Slipknot

Seriously, guys. Come on. Masks? There's another band out there who would truly send you to Hell. Gwar. Fuck you. I know Gwar borrowed aspects of their schtick from other bands, most especially Alice Cooper but such is rock. Slipknot is just a bad impersonation. There's a difference. You kids need better heroes.

3. Sugar Ray/Smashmouth

The last I heard of Sugar Ray they were playing the infield at some two-bit car race in Richmond, Va. Aren't the members (not to mention the sound) of these two bands interchangeable? Remember that really bad period of absolutely terrible SoCal rock in the late 90s?* These guys, plus that Ever-band, what were they called Everlast, Everglade, Everlake?** They were terrible. All of them, including Len, Lit, and especially Offspring. Can we just forget about them now? Has everybody else already forgotten them and I just cling to their memory as the symbol of everything that was wrong with the late 90s? However, that Sugar Ray guy, Mark or whatever, the one who became a VH1 veejay, was really great on Rock n Roll Jeopardy. He's the Raymond Babbitt of post-'50s musicology. (Just go look up the name on imdb.com...) The part of this that makes me the saddest is that the coming of Sugar Ray and Offspring signaled the end of the great musical movement of my teenage years. We only got 4 really good years. Come to think of it, maybe that was enough.

4. Speaking of VH1, any band from VH1's "Bands on the Run."

No, SoulCracker does not rock. The girls in Harlow aren't that hot, except for the bass player under the "Female Bass Players are always mega-hot" corollary. BotR winners Flickerstick actually played a Wednesday show at Jammin' Java in Falls Church, Va. I think more people actually went to see the opening band.***

5. Norwegian Death Metal.

It's time to leave your mother's basement.

*This does not in any way include Sublime.
** I looked it up on allmusic.com. Everclear. Their name puts them at the top of the "Top 5 Bands Who Ruined a Potentially Great Band Name by Sucking."
*** I slipped in this entire entry just because I wanted to make fun of Flickerstick, my arch-nemeses.

"The Atheist's Nightmare"

2006-04-28T14:09:00.000-05:00

Kirk Cameron And Bananas

Look for the face he makes right after he says, "Ease of entry."

This one actually made me shed a single, mirth-filled tear.

Birthday coming!

2006-04-27T08:45:00.000-05:00

So those in the know already know that my 28th birthday is fast approaching on Sunday. (The party's Saturday night at Velvet Lounge for those who didn't.) Perhaps as a symbol of my inevitable slow march to old age, my dishwasher arrived yesterday and never have I been happier. I am truly excited, feeling like a kid who gets exactly what he wants on Christmas morning. If that's not a symbol of getting older, I don't know what is. "Excitement for appliances" has to rank pretty high. But I don't care. Up until yesterday, "lazy on dishes" ranked at the top of the "Why is Max so dirty?" list. No more.

Here's a picture of me hugging the dishwasher (which looks like a huge microwave):

Look at that lower lip bite! I must be super-excited.

Some other things I realized this morning:
1. New appliances rock but are easy to stumble into when bleary eyed and not-so-bushy-tailed.
2. Referring to yourself in the 3rd person should only be reserved for sex. ex. "Rolfe is inside you now."
3. Three Iggy Pop songs in a row on my iPod during the ride to work is not only dangerous, but fun.

3 Post Day.... Possibly

2006-04-20T10:02:00.000-05:00

So I'm really excited this morning. It's more a mark of my rapid aging, but still, I'm excited nonetheless.

For those who don't know, I turn 28 in 10 days. We're celebrating at Velvet Lounge on Apr. 29th with three bands, City-State, The Sad Little Stars, and Pawns. It's going to be a fun night and, as I see it, I work there for very little pay, so why not take advantage of the perks? There's a cover charge, but I'm working on getting an extended guest list, more than my usual four people.

But that's not why I'm excited. For about three years now, I've never known what I truly wanted for my birthday. That streak ended today. My friend sent me a link that might possibly change my life. A DISHWASHER! A portable one that plugs into the sink and fits on top of my counter. This rocks and it's on its way to my own countertop as I write this. I can't believe how giddy this is making me. Ridiculous.

My favorite people

2006-03-28T15:47:00.000-05:00

Today I got an oil change and tune up for $20 from my old pal at the garage down the street from work. That guy is awesome. While I am not able to be this man myself, I am relieved to see that he and his kind still have a place in this world. It just wouldn't be the same without them.

Today he wore a simple Slayer t-shirt, and, since he wore a Cinderella tshirt during my last visit, I'm led to believe that he lives in a world of perpetual 1987. He exudes the very epitome of '80s metalhead, with his flowing mane capped by a blank black hat, black leather varsity jacket, tshirt tucked into faded acid washed jeans held in place by a silver-tooled leather belt and sensible thick-soled black leather shoes. You just know that somewhere in his deepest closet there exists a jean jacket with a Def Leppard logo stitched onto the back. Sometimes a man must even hide from himself.

His wife, with her bleached blond hair teased to the sky, adjusts her off-the-shoulder black top when she hears his conversion van pull up in the driveway. Greeted with a kiss, he idly tugs on her simple polished chain belt, spinning it back and forth through her acid-washed belt loops, and tells her to put on her black Indian moccasin boots as it's time to hit the road. WASP is playing at Jaxx. "Can you believe we didn't know?" he asks. Sometimes a man has to do what he must when there's rock in the air.

But she's ecstatic.

Later, after Chris Holmes' heady guitar riffs whip their inner teenagers into a frenzy, the moonlight glints off the chromed Busch beer tire cover, dancing across the slightly swaying ceiling of the conversion van in a dangerous counterpoint to The Scorpions' "Rock Me Like a Hurricane." As you all should know, when this van's a-rockin', well, you get the point...

Snakes on a Plane, Bitches!

2006-03-22T23:49:00.000-05:00

First off, I'll be making the trip back home to visit my River City Hoodrats next weekend (Mar. 31st.) I think right now the plan is drinks at the Purple Onion Saturday night if anyone wants to join us. I might even be staying through Monday, depending on my mental state upon submission of my final grad application.

Second. "Snakes on a Plane" starring Samuel L. Jackson. This is the dumbest yet possible greatest movie ever. Apparently, Sam just decided to make the most awful movie possible, completely tongue-in-cheek. As the story goes, the working title was "Snake on a Plane" and the producers tried to change it to "Flight 425" or whatever and Sam refused to continue shooting the movie unless the title remained "Snakes on a Plane."

Just say "Snake on a PLANE, mothafucka!" in your best Sam Jackson voice. Endless fun. I can't wait to see the promo interviews.

Catch the trailer here. "I've had it with these snakes." *click*

(I apologize for the use of improper language. However, I must say, it was definitely necessary and worth it.)

Weird, huh?

2006-03-14T19:19:00.000-05:00

Your #1 Match: ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.
You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.
Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.
You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!

You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

What's Your Personality Type?

I paid $100 during college to take the Meyers-Brigg test yet a poorly spelled 40 question internet quiz gets the same exact result. Actually, I took it twice. My Extrovert/Introvert score switchd exactly, 9 on E the first time, 9 on I the second. INFP is the standard for historical researchers, librarians, and missionaries; ENFP people are best suited for journalism and politics. I've done them all to a modicum of success. Scary.

This also led to the "Max should join the Peace Corp" debacle of 1999, leaving me stuck for an afternoon at Sweet Briar College in Lynchburg, Va., aka the "College for Girls Who Like Horses a Little Too Much." I guess the cute girls of the exclusive all-girls school world don't visit Peace Corp seminars, but the Nathalie's do. Peppermint Patty and Marcie too. I just wanted to work in Nepal.

Now, Top 5 things from the past week:

I can write here until my face turns blue. However, I cannot write more than 500 words on my grad school personal statement, which is due to GWU in two weeks and needs 200 more words and a conclusion.
Neil Bush's son is an idiot, but is it funny or scary? Whichever, I'm willing to bet this video comes back to haunt him, nawhaI'msayin?
Dan from Analog Jetpack banged his head on a stage light, almost blacked out, then played the rest of the set with only a 3-string bass. The man's a genius.
My car sucks. She no longer loves me. Two breakdowns in one week. What I do, Martha? Bitch... I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Here's a car freshener...
My St. Patrick's Day show at Velvet Lounge is going to rock. Telograph, Koshari, Deleted Scenes. That is the order. Come. Here's the Flyer:

Tigertronic is Dead

2006-03-09T16:16:00.000-05:00

It's time for a new update. For real. I've missed writing here a lot, even if only to get my thoughts on the page while filling some extroverted need for attention. Here's an attention grabber:

I think my band, Tigertronic, is dead.

We've fallen victim to the Contrarian Virus, which endangers democracy-based bands across the world on a daily basis. Here's how it works:
1. A new band forms, socializing happens, dreams are shared, music is played, alcohol (in this case, large, sometimes scary amounts) drank.
2. A decision-making group arises in the band, democratic rules abound, compromises are made.
3. One person in the group begins to feel left out. He/she begins to disagree with everything, if only to have a larger say in the workings of the band. They are known as the Contrarian.
4. The Contrarian desires to rule the band and become the main decision-maker, causing major amounts of strife, and sucking all fun from the band. In his/her own mind, they will cause so much hassle that eventually all will simply ask him what he wants instead of upsetting the rest of the herd by proposing new ideas without Herr Contrarian's prior advice.
5. Band breaks up from non-interest due to excessive negativity and everybody goes their own way.

This has happened to every band I've ever been in where democratic rules were enforced. It's shockingly similar to Aristotle's own theories on democracy and its eventual yet inevitable decline into tyranny. Funny how ancient political theory can still relate to the modern world, huh?

But in order to save the beast, sometimes we must kill it. The three main songwriters (including me) will soldier on in a different form and the same name, but it just won't be the same. However, I'm out there looking for a new band as well, hopefully controlled under an iron-banded dictatorship. I just want to play music.

There's promise. Check these guys out and let me know what you think. They're doing the whole alt-country/indie rock Wilco-thing that I've been listening to and playing in garages since the age of 16. Maybe it's time for a return to my Southern roots? Plus, they play mah jong every Friday night. Better for the complexion, that Mah Jong. There's some other options, including some pretty big local bands I've booked before (and whose flyers have appeared here,) but I can just hear my Hammond rumbling along humbly underneath or a flashy trumpet sounding out brightly on a few of these Rosemont kids' numbers.

Last night, I was really down, losing the faith, wondering if music should mean as much as it does to me. Gazing at the black, dingy tolex of the Fender Rhodes, I figured it was time for a good cleaning. Wedged back along the wall, dust rag impossibly dirty, a batch of my old piano books were found hidden in the well of my amp. Pulling out a selection of Claude Debussy, I flipped the switch and started into "Claire de Lune," my piano masters' class recital piece from my 3rd year at UVa. Clunking through, clumsy, ill-tempered (in a clavical way), I felt that old familiar warm tingle creep up the back of my neck, raising hairs, mingling, swirling, flushing my cheeks, teasing the corners of my mouth into a smile before settling in my eyes, becoming shiny and brilliant. Last chord slowly sings its way off into the distance. There it was, lost but no forgotten, found exactly where I had left it.

Don't worry about me, I'm fine.

That Sanberg Kid

2006-03-05T20:43:00.000-05:00

That Adam Sanberg on SNL is the only kid on that show worth watching. Natalie Portman got in on the fun this week. Gotta love that keytar at the end:

If you like ninjas, check out Sanberg's previous project, "The Bu."

Shotgun Ink

2006-02-15T09:53:00.000-05:00

CBS Scraps 'Love Monkey'

2006-02-14T17:20:00.000-05:00

CBS Scraps 'Love Monkey'

Well fuck you too, CBS.

Get away from me, crazy white man!

2006-02-07T16:39:00.000-05:00

Breaking News:
AP - Al Sharpton rejected a good night kiss from his date after a horrible night on the town. This picture was taken just moments before Mr. Sharpton delivered a firm "Good night and good luck" handshake:

But seriously, the look on Al's face is priceless. "Get this man away from me before somebody takes a picture!"

My Hometown

2006-02-07T14:18:00.000-05:00

One more post for the road. I found this letter in the Danville Register & Bee's "Letters to the Editor" section that I like to call civic pride, Danville-style:

Why is it that some citizens cannot afford the recent hike in electric rates and need assistance just to get by, but our city continues to keep Christmas lights lit in downtown? It seems to me that what the city is paying for those lights could go to someone who needs the help. As of Jan. 26, the lights were still up. Great job, Danville.

Hilarious.

Wednesday Night

2006-02-07T11:03:00.000-05:00

This dude seems a little crazy, but his music's pretty good and very original. I'll be over at the Grog with Mayor Herb around 10:30 if anybody wants to come out and have a drink tomorrow night.

Quiz Day

2006-02-07T10:04:00.000-05:00

4 jobs in your life (best to worst)
Lifeguard
Librarian
Research Analyst
Intern

4 movies you could watch over and over
The Goonies
Almost Famous
Wonderboys
The Life Aquatic

4 TV shows you love to watch
Lost
Entourage
The Office
Northern Exposure

4 places you have lived
Danville, VA
Charlottesville, VA
The Ghetto, MD
Glover Park, Washington, DC

4 place you have been on vacation
Australia
New York, NY
Edinburgh, Scotland
Dewey Beach, DE

4 websites you visit daily
House.gov
gmail.com
myspace.com
heresahint.org

4 of your favorite foods
General Tso's Chicken
Anything Ethiopian
Gravy
Chicken Marsala

4 places you'd rather be right now
On Mars in my habitable Mars pod eating a Mars bar.
Going against the grain.
Sydney, Australia (b/c it's summer there and the surf's good right now.)
Making a difference in just one person's life for the price of my morning coffee.

4 bloggers you are tagging--not tag-backs!
(in order of likeliness to respond, most to least...)
The Road Revisited
AustingHill
Beowulf
Tuesday in August (never gonna happen.)

Promoting Yet Again

2006-01-31T13:04:00.000-05:00

Come check it out as The Run In are one of my favorite local band, and, of course, there's always Telograph.

(Sorry I haven't written much later, Mr. Blog. I currently live only for grad school applications.)

CNN.com - Gonzales defends wiretaps amid protest - Jan 24, 2006

2006-01-24T16:54:00.000-05:00

CNN.com - Gonzales defends wiretaps amid protest - Jan 24, 2006

Heroes:

In other news, there's this little tiny piece of asphalt stuck to the ground under a mound of caulk that I like to stand on and occasionally kick when I go outside to smoke. Today, that little rock broke away from the ground while I was bouncing my shoe off it. This made me unreasonably sad.

Television

2006-01-18T09:33:00.000-05:00

I can't wait until the baby boomer retires and we can finally have a musical character on television who doesn't constantly worship Bob Dylan. While I deeply appreciate the stylings of Mr. Robert Zimmerman, it's time let our TV characters listen to music that came after 1979.

That said, "Love Monkey," a new show centering around the adventures of a NYC A&R exec starring that guy from Ed, is probably one of my new favorite shows, second only to "Lost."

Thoughts on Bands and Girls

2006-01-17T16:26:00.000-05:00

I got an interesting email from a female friend today who hasn't been seen or heard from in a while. She said, "Oh, well, I guess you must be beating away the girls with a stick, playing keyboards in a band and all, making the girls swoon." Um... The answer to that question is no.

Just for future reference, this is a list of the order in which rock musicians in bands get laid, from my own experience being in and around bands.

1. The Drummer - Most people automatically assume the frontman comes first, but few realize that the drummer pulls more than anyone else. He is the beat, the rhythm personified. It's the same as being the best dancer at your local salsa hall.
2. The Lead Guitarist - Obviously. Girls imagine him blowing smoke in their parents' faces while roaring away on motorcycles.
3. The Singer/Frontman - However, this guy moves to #1 if he also plays guitar and calls himself a "songwriter." Being an alright singer helps, but it's really not required.
4. The Keyboardist - Again, like the lead singer, a keyboardist can move up the list by use of "songwriter," as long as said songs are not Billy Joel ripoffs, because as we all know, only church girls listen to Joel and you're leaving that date high and dry. However, the Keyboardist songwriter may never move above #3 on the list. The Drummer and guitarist/songwriter will always win. Actually, scratch that. The Keyboardist will always be #4.
5. The Lonely Bass Player - I guess it's just the fact that nobody ever really notices the Rock Bassist. His musical contributions can rarely be easily identified, outside of Led's John Paul Jones and John Entwistle from The Who. Think about it. It takes a lot to identify a great bass player for the average listener. This translates directly into this hierarchy. They're not flashy, they're just holding down the fort while the others can advertise for women with their impressive displays of solo virtuosity, aka "blowjob notes." This doesn't really transfer over into other genres though. The jazz bassist never goes hungry.

Writing this list made me think of a funny story I heard from David Lee Roth (DLR.) Apparently, Sammy Hagar and John Entwistle were hanging out at Cabo Wabo, Hagar's club in LA. Sammy turned to John and said, "Ox, here we are, two rock legends, just hanging out!" John replied, "No, Sammy, one rock legend and Sammy Hagar..."

Aca-What?!

2006-01-10T14:26:00.000-05:00

Aca-What?!

The title of this entry is a clicky link!

I find it shocking that an a capella group is looking for men who are "good with [their] mouths." I just hope they get the beatboxer who also plays a mean set of air drums.

Passing moments

2006-01-05T15:05:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have really quick moments where you return to suddenly vivid memories that follow a specific theme at the most mundane times?

For instance, Tuesday night, I stood on my porch smoking my 8:30PM cigarette when all of a sudden I was hit by a barrage of my most guilt-induced embarrassing moments of all time. I have no reason why, but it hit hard and quieted me down for the rest of the night, hanging overhead like a dark cloud on a beach.

Then, last night, I headed outside for the same smoke when I was instantly struck by a barrage of my greatest moments in public mockery. Needless to say, this put me in another weird mood, but this one more of a "Laughing Mr. Lens" which others found slightly perturbing. I will share one memory from this sequence however:

When the first of the new Star Wars movies came out, I was still living in Danville. My friends and I went to see it at the midnight showing simply because it was an excuse for us to stay out really late. Just before the movie started, this movie employee felt the need to "warm up the crowd." Standing in front of everybody, he gleefully shouted, "I just want everybody to realize that this movie is completely digital. It's the first film with no film!!! Woohoo!" The crowd fell to a hushed silence and continued to stare at this crazy man like a dead animal in a sack. Enter me. Ringing out from the 10th row, I clearly said, "Man, I feel embarrassed FOR you." Instant laughter from a sold-out theater for no less than 2 minutes.

So yeah, that's it. One of my greatest moments in public mockery. I know, I know. I'm terrible. Yes, I know. Here's that guy, putting his enthusiasm and nerdery out for public display, and here's me, Mr. Snide. Hopefully Mr. Solo there learned his lesson.

Obscure curse words

2005-12-30T13:54:00.000-05:00

Sergeant James and I were walking past Max's (no relation) Ice Cream Parlor yesterday and heard a little boy call his sister a "bozak." My immediate reaction: "Good effort, kid, but poor use of the terminology." Then we walked past The Grog & Tankard's open door, where Mayor Herb was laughing maniacally. Needless to say, we felt obliged to join in for a solid 2-minute laugh riot. I will now replace my usually curses with bozak, as in "Hey, will you quit showing off and pass the mayo, ya bozak?" But the real question remains, is bozak making a comeback?

The End.

War on Christmas

2005-12-15T11:58:00.000-05:00

Googlympics

2005-12-14T10:34:00.000-05:00

While recuperating from an all-around exhausting weekend and workday on Monday night, my roommate and I quickly became bored with the night's TV menu so instead decided to devise a new game, one which quickly became our newest obsession.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with the Googlympics.

Googlympics consists of several events and feats of web strength involving the search engine Google. Here are the events that have been accepted by the Googlympic Governing Body so far:

1. "Opening Games"

When 2 Googlympiads enter the field of play*, each athlete must input his/her first and last name into the search engine.** The athlete with the least number of hits goes first in the first event.

2. "I've Got More Than You"

Quite simply, the object of the game is to get more hits that your opponent using one-, two-, or three-word searches. However, once a word has been used, that word may not be used again (unless you're playing by "Toolbar Rules."***) After each round, the loser of the last round gets to go first. At the beginning of each round, the loser of the last round must also stipulate whether he/she is going for a one-, two-, or three-word search.+

Here's an example:
My roommate: "Hardcore Porn" 7,330,000
Me: "web search" 3,630,000,000

Obviously, I win and he starts the next round, stipulating the number of words in the search.

3. "I've Got Less Than You"

Exactly like the previous event, using the same rules as above but, instead of aiming for the maximum hits possible, your goal is the least amount.

4. "Timed Play"

Same rules as the above but instead of judging by the amount of hits, the contest is decided by the longest length of search. However, there is no inverse to this event since Google does not allow measurements less than 0.01 seconds.

5. "My Historical Figure is More Popular/More Obscure Than Yours"

Quite simply, a player stipulates between popular/obscure and searches for a historical figure, at which point the opponent must perform a search on another historical figure and either get more or less hits based on the stipulation. You may substitute the Historical Figure category with others, such as Actors, Musicians, etc. However, there may be NO cross-category contamination, i.e., Actor vs. Musician. Also, only main professions apply. Just because Keanu Reeves plays guitar in Dog Star does not mean you can put him up against Roger Daltrey. Ever.

6. "The Big Chase"++

This one is slightly different with a higher degree of difficulty. The player calls for "The Big Chase," stipulates search length, performs the search and then specifies the conditions of the opponent's search. The goal is for the opponent to come as close as possible to the amount of the original player's search quantity and stay within the conditional number given by the opponent. However, some by-laws exist. The conditional number must be within an acceptable range and approved by the opponent prior to his/her search. For example, if my roommate searches for "NFL League" and gets 20.1 million hits, an acceptable range would be 3 million on either side, unless of course you want to play with Price Is Right Rules. Bargaining to determine an acceptable conditional number is legal, keeping in mind that the opponent must eventually agree to a conditional number while the original player reserves the right to switch events prior to the opponent's search. However, once the second search is completed, the game is on and all decisions are final.

7. "I'm Feeling REALLY Lucky"

This game is a showdown, a battle of wits using one-, two-, or three- word searches and the Google's I'm Feeling Lucky button. The goal is to successfully land on an adult porn site without using any terms from the following categories:
curse words
body parts and body part slang
proper names
sex acts and fetish names

8. The Googlathlon

The final event at any Googlympics is the Googlathlon. Using 5 of the events above+++, players compete in a predetermined even number of contests, with the majority winner emerging as the "Googlympian of the Century."*+ The loser of each round chooses which event will be played next. For example, my roommate goes first after the traditional Opening Games ceremony and calls for "I Have More Than You" and loses. In the next round, he calls for "Historical Figure, Obscure" and loses. The he calls for "The Big Chase"*+* and wins. Then his opponent calls for a "Time Trial" and wins, etc., etc. If a tie exists after the predetermined number of events, the tie will broken by a contest of "I'm Feeling REALLY Lucky."

* Both athletes must use the same computer to avoid any judging controversy.
** As shown on your Googlympics Membership Card, also known as a driver's license. A Social Security card, birth certificate and passport will also be valid for Googlympiads under the age of 16.
*** Toolbar Rules refers to the Google Toolbar, which can actually be used to chronicle your last 24 searches. Once a word leaves the toolbar cache, it can be considered "back in play."
+ Any misspelled words result in an immediate loss. If at anytime Google asks, "Did you mean ____?" and the word was indeed misspelled according to Dictionary.com, then that athlete is disqualified. This rule applies to all Googlympic events.
++ Most people are confused by the "The Big Chase." "Why does it matter?" they ask. However, a high caliber Googlympiad will recognize the importance of "The Big Chase," especially during the Googlathlon.
+++ Excluding "Opening Games" and "I'm Feeling REALLY Lucky" due to their use at the beginning of the game and as a tie breaker, respectively.
*+ Googlympiads may feel free to distribute Gold Medals as they wish, especially made by Cuervo (Gold) or Coors (Extra Gold.) However, as in life, there are no second place prizes.
*+* During the Googlathlon, "The Big Chase" may only be used after 5 consecutive losses by the loser.

Additional By-laws (which the Googlympic Governing Body may revise and supplement at any time.)

1. No contest may be won by a return of zero results. All searches must have a hit list > or = to 1.
2. Much like steroid use in baseball, Googlympiads may not seek to enhance their results with the use of any search modifying symbols, including the + and - signs. The names are both entered as appearing on the membership card, regardless of any popular connotations which might already exist.
3. The Googlympic Governing Body finds you; you cannot find it. However, at each Googlympics, a member of the Governing Body must be present in order for all results to be official and to hand out all medals, at your expense, not theirs. Please contact Jadedlens with the time and place and arrangements will be made.